Harry Potter Fanatics!
by Alan Smithee
Summary: Chapter 10...Dark Horse interviews Cho Chang!(Read and review this...please...I'll be your friend...I'll review your stuff...)
1. Lily.

Fanatics: Lily Potter.  
  
The opening intro:  
  
Hey, MTV fans everywhere! I'm Alan Smithee. I used to be an assistant on that..."other" person's Fanatics series, but I've broken free and am set to introduce people from "our" world to people from the Harry Potter universe! Now, we're here to try and find my first guest...  
  
Okay, now, we've got to be pretty quiet here...  
  
::ding, dong...::  
  
"ALAN, YOU ASSHOLE! I THOUGHT THE WHOLE FANATICS SERIES UP! YOU TIED ME UP AND NOW YOU'RE STEALING MY IDEA TO BRING IT TO THAT EVIL HARRY POTTER SECTION..."  
  
Well, that's nice....Let me just consult my handy-dandy copy of Harry Potter...Let's see...take my wand out...AVERA KEDAVRA!   
  
"NOOOO!"  
  
Well, I guess this is my idea now...oh, it must be next door. Sorry, still new at these things...  
  
::ding,dong::  
  
"Who are you?"  
  
Are you...Lily's friend*Jess?  
  
"Yes...and I'm calling the police if you don't tell me who you are!"  
  
I'm Alan Smithee with Fanatic, you're going to meet Lily Potter!  
  
"AWESOME!"  
  
Just get right into this limo we picked up, and we'll get you over there in an instant!  
  
"Cool...  
  
Opening thoughts...  
  
"Wow, I can't believe that they've been able to get Lily Potter for me to interview, I mean, I thought that even MTV couldn't afford to bring someone back to life...This is going to be great. I have so many questions that I'd like to ask her and all...I'm just totally psyched."  
  
  
"Where's Harry? Is Harry all right?"  
"Now, Mrs. Potter. Your son is fine. Don't worry about it."  
"Can you bring me to him? I've wanted to hold him in my arms again since virtually the moment I died..."  
"Just do this interview and we'll bring you to see your son afterwards. Is that all right?"  
"I guess..."  
  
"Well, I guess it's cool being alive again and all. I don't really like the fact that they brought me back to do a bloody interview, but at the very least, it's one of my fans...strange that a person like me could manage to get fans, I guess...ah, what are you going to do? Well, I would like to meet her at the very least..."  
  
"WHOA! I cannot believe this...Lily?"  
  
"You can't believe it, try coming back to life for this moment, sister!"  
  
"Wow, I mean...there's so many questions I'd like to ask you..."  
  
"Go ahead and ask."  
  
"Okay, well...How did you and James get together?"  
  
"Well, that's one of those stories I just love to tell...We were both in our first year, but I never really got to talk to him for about three years. Once that happened, I always assumed he wouldn't like a girl like me. I mean, come on, I was one of those girls who spent most of the time studying, he spent all of his time getting into misadventures with his cronies...When he asked me to the Christmas dance during fourth year, I was astonished. When he proposed to me the day we graduated, I was completely surprised...but that's another story..."  
  
"Did your sister always hate you?"  
  
"Actually, for years we were the best of friends. You know, a few squabbles, but what family members don't? Then all of a sudden, I find out that I'm a wizard...well, being in a family of Muggles, that's always cause for amazement, so my parents started paying more attention to me...then my sister just became, well, a bitch to me. I always assumed she was just jealous, because that would have made the most sense."  
  
"Did Peter show any signs that he was untrustworthy?"  
  
"Well, that was one of those cases where it was a toss-up. During that time, if you knew that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named had a spy in your midst, you didn't trust anybody. During the whole period, the only people who me and James truly knew were not in league with him was Dumbledore, me, and James. Upon reflection, most of the things that Peter did would have been pretty untrustworthy in this time, and I had some sneaking suspicions (typical woman's intuition, never failed me before...), but James was too serious to let him be the Secret-Keeper once Sirius gave him the request to. Sometimes I feel that Sirius, if he wasn't the most important person in James' life, was at least a very high third after me and Harry..."  
  
"Did you believe the Hogwarts letter when you first got it?"  
  
"Honestly, I thought that one of my family members were playing a joke on me. I mean, when you're from an all-Muggle family, you never truly believe that there are others like you, much less a whole school filled with them. Most of the time, wizards just stay to themselves or claim that it's just amazing ability at the thing that they're doing."  
  
"Did Voldemort kill your parents?"  
  
"Honestly, I don't think he cared about killing family members of Muggles. I mean, if the Muggle family was right there, he'd kill them without a problem, but he never targeted Muggles that I know of... Basically, he didn't kill my parents. My father had a heart attack during my fifth year, and my mother died of natural causes a few years after I left school."  
  
"Who did you have a crush on when you were at school?"  
  
"Besides James? Well, a girl's got to have some secrets.... I will say that in their day, Remus and Sirius were pretty cute, but James was really the only one that I wanted. That's my story and I'm sticking to it."  
  
"How was your life overall?"  
  
"This is one of those questions that is pretty easy to answer. The fact that I can live on in Harry, and that my sacrifice allowed him to live on, allows me to live on some small level for all eternity. Every day that he lives, and his children, and his children's children live, shows that my life and death truly meant something. Even if that didn't happen, I would still say that my life was pretty good. If I could have done it over again, I don't think there's too much I would have changed about it."  
  
"Well, thank you for your time."  
  
"You're welcome."  
  
Closing thoughts:  
  
*// "Wow! She was actually really nice! I mean, I expected her to be really cool and all, but this was just awesome! Look, she signed my T-Shirt! I'm definitely happy...//*  
  
"Well, that was definitely pleasant. She seemed pretty cool. Oh, now can I go see Harry?"  
  
Well, that's another episode of Fanatic...Tune in next time when we interview Eloise Midgen....  
  
"SMITHEE, I'M CALLING YOU OUT!"  
  
Seifer? What are you doing here?  
  
"What? I can't 'wish a writer luck'?"  
  
Oh, you want in on this....GIRLS! Seifer's right here!  
  
"AAAHH! Get his clothes! Get his gunblade!"  
  
Well, tune in for the next episode of Fanatics, I'm Alan Smithee. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow. 


	2. Eloise.

Fanatics: Eloise Midgen.  
  
The opening intro:  
  
"Are you Alan Smithee?"   
  
Who wants to know?   
  
"We're the Network. We've got a few...concerns..."  
  
What is it this time? Too banal? Not enough skin? Come on, my former "upperling" told me what you claimed...  
  
"Nope, we have concerns about the ratings. Come on, 37 hits on a Harry Potter fic? That's way too low."  
  
Come on, my style's a few years ahead of its time! I've got more ideas set...  
  
"You had best get some better hit-worthy stuff out there, or else we'll have to force you onto the writing crew for a delightful NC-17 series involving Hagrid, Norbert, and a bottle of chocolate syrup...  
  
NO! I'm trying to do serious works! If I did that, I'd be pigeon-holed into "puke king" again! That would be writing suicide!  
  
Well, then, get cracking, fan-boy. We're waiting...  
  
"How would I go about doing that?"  
  
Do the stuff that makes other shows we have work so well...  
  
"Oh, all right..."  
  
(Alan walks into the studios to a crowd of screaming girls.)  
  
Hey, welcome to Harry Potter Fanatics Request Live! I'm Alan Smithee....  
  
"EEEEEEEEE!"  
  
Yes, welcome to our second show! Now, we're looking for the right person to interview our next guest, ah, let's check our studio audience...  
  
"I'm backkkk...."  
  
YOU? But I killed you in the last episode! How...?  
  
"Oh, did you really think you could kill me with that...poorly-executed Killing Curse? I thought I taught my knight better than that..."  
  
Oh, sure. I try to kill you, I'm your knight. You write another Fanatics in the ol' stomping ground, I'm chased by a psychotic wolf and forced to be Seifer's little sidekick..."  
  
"Funny you should mention Seifer..."  
  
"Hey, Alan! Long time no see!"  
  
NOOO! Well, I think I'm going to check the street for a proper fanatic, let's see the latest video by GENERIC GIRL SINGA!  
  
"Oh, baby...TAKE ME FROM BEHIND..."  
  
Wasn't that great! Well, we're out on the street and I think we've found our fanatic. What's your name?  
  
"Um, my name is Topaz I came all the way from...I don't really know right now! I just needed to get a good spot out here N'SYNC rocks out with their cocks out WHOOOO!"  
  
Great, and we've got a special surprise for you...we're taking you to meet your favorite Harry Potter character!  
  
"Excellent! You're taking me to interview Cho?"  
  
Well, no...(but it would have been much easier for me to work the stuff out if you didn't change your mind...MEANY...)...According to your tape, you wanted to meet Eloise Midgen.  
  
"EXCELLENT! Where's the limo?"  
  
We're not doing well enough for a limo. Here, we'll need to take my car...don't damage the bumper stickers, especially not the "My other car is a Millennium Falcon", which was given to me by a person who looked remarkably like the Comic Book Store guy.  
  
  
  
Opening thoughts...  
  
"Wow...I honestly can't believe it...Eloise's ways have taught me so much on how to live my life...like why I shouldn't try to curse my acne off, for example...and, um...this kicks so much ass!"  
  
"Whoa...I actually have fans? This is so cool...How would people think of me as their favorite character? I mean, I only got one real passing mention in the books, ah, well...I guess I can't be a chooser, now can I?"  
  
  
"Um, who is she?"  
  
"Wow, you're my number one fan and even you can't recognize me? I'm going to have to shiv Rowling for that... But anyways, what's going on?"  
  
"Oh, you're Eloise? I'm sorry, I'm just so...nervous, I can't really think of things right now..."  
  
"Don't worry about that. If I always thought things out, you would have never heard of me, right?"  
  
"I guess....Wow, this is just...cool...I have a few questions to ask you..."  
  
"Go ahead. That's what I'm here for..."  
  
"Well, I should probably get the big question out there to start... why on earth did you curse your nose off ?"  
  
"Why does everyone start off with the nose thing? There's more to me than just that, you know... Anyways, that was just a typical girl problem, really. You see, this seventh year over in Slytherin who I had been crushing on for a couple of years finally asked me out. Not being totally insane, I said yes. So anyways, the day before the big date, I check in the mirror, and I have this huge zit on my nose. I panicked (who wouldn't?), so I decided to try and curse the acne off my nose. Long story short, the acne came off still attached to my nose, and I had much bigger problems. I would've sent it to a magazine as one of those 'bad things that happened to me' anecdotes, but I was so tired of the 'cutting off my nose to spite my face' jokes that I just didn't bother."   
  
"Okay...who are your friends at Hogwarts ?"  
  
  
Gee....well, I thought I had some friends there. I guess everyone really does think they have friends, even if they are obviously hated by all. However, once the...unpleasantness with my nose happened, my social 'Q' disappeared faster than Jimmy Ray's music career. All my 'friends' started to make fun of me, I was rendered an outcast, and all that stuff. I guess the only person I can truly consider a friend is...me."  
  
  
"That's horrible....well, who are your enemies ?"  
  
"I'd probably have to start with the people who started in with the jokes. The leader of my old 'clique', Mary Rosen, was just horrid to me ever since it happened. I'd consider her an enemy right now. Her new lapdog, Sue Stern, she'd probably be right up there with her as well. Strange, these people used to be my best friends, until the moment that I made that one boner. Now, they won't even stand to be around me."  
  
  
"I see... what house are you in?"  
  
  
"Oh, finally a more 'sane' question. I'm currently a sixth year in Ravenclaw. No one would really know about our stuff, though. Most of the focus goes on 'heroic Gryffindor' and 'dark Slytherin.' Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, we get no play with the average person. I guess that's how it is in the real world- no one cares about the really smart people or the hard working people, they just like faces or heels to cheer or boo accordingly."  
  
  
"Ah... what are your likes, dislikes, the like?"  
  
  
"Oh...well, I like basically normal stuff. Hanging out, listening to music, that kind of stuff.... I'm still normal, I just happen to be a witch who just happened to curse their nose off once. Since I was rendered an outcast, I've been really getting into studying; it's actually kind of cool in it's own way. My dislikes? Well, I'd definitely have to go with cursing off my own nose and the ruination that comes from that."  
  
  
"I see...do you think Snape is hot?"  
  
  
"Dear god no! Snape's like... a teacher! I don't really notice the teacher's personal appearances, mostly because they tend to be in their mid-hundreds. I will say that Snape's at least got the potential to be nicer looking than some of them- he's younger than most the other teachers by a good 50 years, he's got that look of that one Muggle guy...who was it again? Oh yeah, Iggy Pop...Basically, I wouldn't be shocked if he ever found a woman, but I sincerely hope that I'm not that girl."  
  
  
"Well, my last question... What do you think about Harry Potter as a person?"  
  
  
Well, that's pretty random...I mean, why not ask what I thought of Howard Stern or Alan Smithee, I have no ideas... Well, I know he's got to be a pretty good wizard, but other than that, I have no idea what he's really like. I keep getting mixed messages about what he's like from various people. This one girl who tends to always be around when I'm studying in the library tells me that he's one of the nicest guys she's met in Hogwarts, but this one girl in my dorm says that she thinks he's got a bit of a creepy streak and is worried he's eventually going to start stalking her...So to answer your question, I have no idea. He's probably like most people in general...half saint, half bastard."  
  
"Well, thank you for answering my questions..."  
  
"You're welcome."  
  
Closing thoughts:  
  
"That was really cool. I never thought she would be anything more than just a character who cursed her nose off for no good reason. I mean, she was actually...normal...I never would have figured that about her..."  
  
"Geez, that was bad...I never figured that my life sucks so bad...why did it have to rub salt into these old wounds? Why did I have to agree to this? God, I miss being popular so much..."  
  
"Um, you do realize this is going to be on TV, right? MTV, good positioning, all the people you know watching..."  
  
"YES! I'll be popular again! WOO HOO!"  
  
Well, that's another episode of Fanatic...Tune in next time when we interview Albus Dumbledore. As always, I would like to say that Fanatic spots are still wide open for anyone. Just send your choice of character to me, Alan Smithee, at ReLect0@aol.com and I'll handle it from there....  
  
"I FOUND HIM, MY SORCERESS!"  
  
"Excellent, Seifer. Bring him to me..."  
  
No...show's done....nothing more...  
  
"Not yet...You will agree to go back to Final Fantasy 8 or else I will have to..."  
  
Do what? You're just some psycho old-style fanfic writer who thinks she's a sorceress. Where's your power?  
  
"teehee...Show him..."  
  
"Dear god...is that...is that..."  
  
"WASSUP?"  
  
"VOLDEMORT? DAMMIT! Why do I always get the problems with my series?"  
  
"Show him how a REAL man does the Killing Curse, Voldemort..."  
  
"Avara Kedavra..."  
  
To be continued? 


	3. Dumbledore.

Part Three: Dumbledore.  
  
  
"What the...? I'm alive? I DID IT! I BEAT THE KILLING CURSE! Yeah, uh uh, Go Alan, Go Alan, it's your...didn't die day, it's your...didn't die day..." Suddenly, some mysterious people came around to , um, me....  
  
"Oh, come now, you didn't do anything. We restored you to life using technology. Get over yourself." one of the people replied.  
  
"But...why? Why did you let me live?"   
  
"Because...if you keep at it with these ratings, we'll do something worse than death to you..."   
"DAMMIT! Not the NETWORK AGAIN? That so totally reeks of heinosity!"  
"Come on, Alan, we really like your stuff. It's new, it's edgy, it's...extreme... the only problem is, it's not getting the hits..."  
"But...but...I have a very high similarity between people who read the first to reading the second..."   
"Oh, come off of it. You've only got 72 hits for the series. We brought you from the bush leagues expecting you'd get at least 700 by now. Come on, where is it?" The network looked mean.  
  
"But...but...I can't make people read these..."  
"Sorry. We've made our decision on this...." One of the Network brought out a shrouded figure. "This, if you read the series, is a Dementor. Break 150 for this part of the fic or else we'll have him give you a little kiss..."  
"Go ahead. It's the closest anyone will come to kissing me anyways, so you have to figure..." I replied.   
"Dude, he's ragging on the Dementor!" one of the Network yelled.  
"KISS HIM! NOW!" another shouted.  
"EXIT, STAGE RIGHT!" I darted out of the room and headed for the nearest taxi. "Can you take me to the nearest...safe haven, stat?"  
"Sure thing, ALAN..." Seifer replied.  
"NOOO! ANOTHER TAXI! QUICK!" Another taxi quickly sped over. I got in.  
"Um, take me over to Hogwarts, quick. It's the safest place, right?"  
"You know it, Mac." The taxi driver started to head towards it.  
"Thanks, Mr...Merlin1189 ?"  
"You know. Weird last name, eh? It works for driving a cab, so I'm cool with it."  
Listen, if it's no trouble..."  
"What's the question?"  
"Do you see that cab with Seifer and a dementor inside it?" I asked.  
"Yep."  
"LOSE IT AT ALL COSTS." The driver quickly headed through a very exciting car chase scene that managed to involve violence, humor, a bit with a dog, and brief nudity. Eventually, we lost the cab.  
"Well, we're here. Hogwarts. Your money?"  
"Well, I don't have any...Here's my card..."  
"Cool, you're Alan Smithee? Well, I'll take it as even if you help me out..."  
"What?"  
"Well, since we're here....I always wanted to meet Albus Dumbledore, could you hook me up?"  
"Sure. We have no other plans, it's all good. Let's go!"  
"EXCELLENT!"  
  
"Greetings, MTV viewers! I am someone else who looks remarkably like Alan Smithee. The real Alan Smithee is currently on the run from a psychotic sorceress and her cadre of knights which now includes He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and psycho network executives with a dementor, and he is DEFINITELY not at Hogwarts, where this young man, Mr...Merlin1189, will interview Headmaster Albus Dumbledore. Let's watch..."  
  
Opening thoughts:  
  
"Awesome...this definitely beats out on a couple Sickles anyday...I mean, Dumbledore? He is like the man in these books...I wonder if I can get in..."  
  
"Ah, Professor Dumbledore?"  
"Yes?"  
"I'm Alan Smithee for MTV, I'm stuck, Voldemort's on my tail, and I need to compensate my driver for the ride over here..."  
"Oh, well, you can stay here. It'll be safe. Just pass him over the money..."  
  
"Wow! Professor Dumbledore...this is an honor..."  
"It is for me too, sir...Here's a couple of Sickles..."  
  
"Um, Mr.D...he's going to interview you for my show...that's his compensation."  
"Well, that's perfectly fine. What would you like to know, sir?"  
  
"Well...let me think...I wasn't prepared... Exactly how old are you?"  
  
"Ah, my age. I know that women aren't supposed to tell how old they are, but last time I checked, I was a man, so here goes. I'll be 150 years young this January. I don't really consider that old, as my main rule is that you're only as old as you feel. I learned that from my old mentor when I was attempting to get my degree to start teaching here at Hogwarts, Nicolas Flamel...bless his soul..."  
  
"Yes, well...What's your favorite candy?"  
  
"Favorite candy? Young man, how can you really pick just one favorite candy? All of them are just so good, such a magic that only the greatest wizards could hope to equal. Besides, I eat all kinds of candy. I guess that's why I'm so sweet..."  
  
"Ah...Well, um, you know Harry Potter about as well as anyone...what's his secret?" Everyone in the room suddenly reached for paper and a pencil as Dumbledore started to speak.  
  
" Well, let's see... Harry has a secret? All I really figured happened was that his mother loved him deeply enough to save him from Voldemort. Other than that, I wouldn't know if he had a secret. He's a basically good student, prone to making trouble sometimes with his cronies, amazing on the Quidditch field, just normal. Probably the only thing I'm really surprised about is his general demeanor. I've seen kids come into this school whose parents were tortured or (in rare cases) killed by Voldemort or his Death Eaters who were always depressed about this; like they could never be happy in their lives. However, I've never really known Harry to do anything except relax and just generally be pretty gay. I guess that's his secret, if anything, because I've never met anyone even half as gay as he is every day. Go ahead, I know you're writing these things down, just put it in block letters: Harry Potter is always gay. That's his 'big secret.'"   
  
"Well, that's nice...um, why are you insane?"   
  
"Insane? I wouldn't call myself insane...yet. A free spirit? Of course. Flaky? Most definitely. Senile? Perhaps. Mad? Possibly. But insane? Never. I consider people like Voldemort to be truly insane...people who had it all, chose the dark ways, and became instruments of terror, always believing themselves to be right. Compared to that, I'm perfectly normal, eh? Yep, Voldemort's insane...AND HE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!"  
  
"Hey, don't worry, daddy, Ol' Voldemort isn't going to start anything until the end of the interview! You have to show some common courtesy, man!"  
  
"Oh, all right. So, Tom, how's the whole...Lord of Evil Dark Wizardry thing going for you?" Dumbledore asked.  
  
"Pretty well, man. I knew I picked the right major..." Voldemort replied.  
  
"Um, it's my interview..." Merlin1189 replied. "Well, Albus, are you related to anyone we know?"  
  
"Well, I don't really know exactly who you know, so I can't be sure about that. I was always a bachelor, so I never had any children. My brother did happen to have a large number of children and later grandchildren, but I can't really remember all of them...that's what being this old will do to you, I guess..."  
  
"I see... well, Does James Potter still have old artifacts?"  
  
"Well, I'm still not telling on those things. The last things I remembered him leaving in my possession when he left school were his Invisibility Cloak (I passed that on to its current rightful owner) , his old broomstick (Top of the line 20 years ago...I just placed it in with the broomsticks we use to teach first-years how to fly...), and...that's all I could remember off the top of my head. Filch may have confiscated a few of his things, but you'd have to check with him...."  
  
"Well, let's see...What do you see in the Mirror of Erised?"  
  
"I see a day when Muggles aren't afraid of wizards anymore, when we're finally able to live in peace and harmony with all of God's creatures, each of us doing our own thing without other people pestering us or trying to kill us. Oh, and me with a new pair of socks. I just love that feeling that you get when you put on a new pair, what can I say?"  
  
"Damn, skippy, Albus my man. Say, is the interview over?" Voldemort asked.  
  
"Um, I think that's my last question, yes..." Merlin1189 replied.  
  
"Perfect...AVERA KEDAVRA!" Voldemort instantly killed Merlin1189 where he stood.  
  
"Quick, Alan! Get out of here! Head somewhere else in the building! I can handle him!" Dumbledore yelled out.  
"What do you think I'm trying to do...This is Alan Smithee for Harry Potter Fanatics...tune in next time when we handle...someone who's around!"  
  
Closing thoughts...  
  
"Damn, this is what I hate. Getting your life to flash before your eyes before you die for all eternity. Can't they at least show you other people's lives instead? You know...you're going to be dead forever...just sit back and just get perspective eternally?"  
  
"He seemed like a nice guy...I just wish Voldemort didn't have to kill him...YOU WHORE!"  
"That's just my Volde-style, man!"  
"Yes, well...I wonder if Muggles can get Order of Merlin..."  
  



	4. Seamus.

Fanatics: Seamus.  
  
"Okay...think, Alan, think...You're stuck in Hogwarts...Voldemort's on your tail and wants to kill you...What do you do? Ah, MOMMY! DON'T LET THE BIG MEAN DARK WIZARD KILL ME!" I ran as fast as I could to the nearest dorm. "Dammit...Open sesame?"   
  
"Sorry, that is not the password. Try again."   
"Um, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is in the building, he's after me, LET ME IN, DAMN YOU, LET ME IN!"  
"Sorry, that isn't the password either."  
"Dammit... Ah, hey...you?"  
"Yes?"  
"What's your name?"  
"JK..."  
"Listen, I'm Alan Smithee for MTV's Harry Potter Fanatics, how'd you like to be on the show?"  
"WOULD I?"  
"Okay...just get me into this room to hide and I'll get you on the show. What's the password?"  
"Okay... 'Meat Puppet.'" In an instant, the painting revealed the breakroom.  
"Cool. Which room is this?"  
"This is Gryffindor, Duh! Can't you see the colors?" JK replied.  
"Oh, I thought that was just your gang stuff. Well, a deal's a deal...Hey, you! What's your name?"  
"Um, Seamus..." Seamus replied.  
"How'd you like to be interviewed for Harry Potter Fanatics?" I asked.  
"Sounds damn cool, man!" Seamus headed over to me.  
  
  
"Hi, I'm Alan Smithee for Harry Potter Fanatics, the show that brings people to meet other people in the Harry Potter universe. Today, we're having...um, JK meet up with, um, Seamus!" Yes...smooth...don't let anyone know you've got   
  
Opening thoughts:   
  
"Why are they just sticking me with Seamus? I mean, we are in the same house...I could talk to him whenever I wanted to, man! Eh, at least I'll be on television..."  
  
"Cool! I get to be on Fanatics! So what if someone from Gryffindor is interviewing me, at least I'm on here...Besides, it'll hopefully get on, I hear the host of the show is in some serious trouble..."  
  
"Seamus!"  
"JK! What's up?"  
"Not much, man. Well, I've got a few questions for you..."  
"Fire away, bro!"  
  
"Let's see... If you could play any Quidditch position, what would it be?"  
  
"Ah, the eternal question to start off with, eh? Well, let's see... I'd probably take being a Chaser. Beaters and Keepers are just role-players, so I wouldn't want that. I mean, everyone wants the glory, don't they? You have to be awesome to be a Seeker, but Chasers get more chances per game to get the glory than a Seeker would. In addition, a team with great Chasers will likely beat out a team with a great Seeker, so you have to figure..."  
  
"Cool...well...You're stranded on a desert island. What one Muggle item do you take with you?"  
  
"Are you insane, man? I'd take me a nice boat! Get me away from that island post-haste!"  
  
"Now we're going to have to go into the hard stuff... Who's the hottest girl in your year?"  
  
"Actually, I think that's the main problem with Hogwarts, the fact that it's the premiere school for wizards in the United Kingdom. Did you see most of the ladies in my year? They look like they should be in Winthropshire's School for the High-Class Hag, man! I couldn't believe the places for this; most of the other wizarding schools are in places that my friends told me are famous for having really beautiful witches in abundance: France, Bulgaria, Burkina Faso, Rhode Island, and the like. What's a guy to do, man? (Though, I will say that there's some hotties here...I'd like to go up to that Divination class and see if the tea leaves reveal me getting to slip the ol' shillelagh to one of Trelawney's groupies, eh?)"  
  
"I see... Which is better - brains or beauty?"  
  
" Oh, Come on man. I may be a damn good wizard, but I'm still a 14 year old guy. Of course it's beauty, man! Brains may be good in the long run, but I don't see that Granger lass swamped with admirers, now do I?"  
  
"Well, let's see here...What's your favourite Chocolate Frog card?"  
  
"Well, they are a little overdone, but I'll bite...Definitely my grandfather's card. Apparently, he was backup Chaser for Ireland the first time they won the Quidditch World Cup back in 1926, and they put the team on a card that they rereleased in last year's set. I had to trade my Agrippa to Weasley to get it, but I don't regret it one bit."  
  
"What's your ideal meal?"  
  
"Eh, I'm not really big into too much eating. Mostly a sensible meal over at the Three Broomsticks is fine with me. You know, a nice sandwich, maybe a little soup, ten or twelve pints of butterbeer..."  
  
" In Irish folk music, is the penny whistle or the fiddle better?"  
  
Ah, the age old question....The penny whistle's easier to play...but the fiddle's the whole point to most of the style....but the penny whistle is necessary to get the proper melody for the piece...but that fiddle-playing chick in that one Muggle band is really cute...to answer your question, they're both necessary to get that sweet sweet folk groove on."  
  
"MEAT PUPPET."  
  
"What the hell is that?" I jumped behind a table and watched.   
"HAHAHAHA! WE HAVE FINALLY GOTTEN IN! HAND US SMITHEE AND NO ONE GETS HURT!"  
"INDEED..."  
"What? What's Kaientai doing here?" I asked.  
"YOU THINK WE ARE A JOKE? WE COME IN DUTY OF OUR LEADERS...THE YAKUZA!" Taka replied.  
"INDEED..."  
"Dammit...Story of my life. Whenever I'm doing fine, the Yakuza always comes in to try and stop me...Well, not this time! I've gotten past a sorceress, a sorceress's knight, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, psychotic network executives with their very own dementor, and I'm not going to stop now!"  
"HA! WE HAVE JUST MET WITH VOLDEMORT! HE HAS TAUGHT US WELL!" Taka yelled.  
"AVERA KEDAVRA..." Funaki chanted. Instantly, JK was struck with the Killing Curse. The other Gryffindors ran in terror.   
"I think that's my cue to leave...Tune in next time when I interview...well, I don't know, I've just got to head out..."  
"Wait, Alan! Take me with you!" Seamus replied.  
"Why? I need to head out."  
"Well, everyone needs a sidekick, and you could do worse than a Wizard to get past that whole 'Muggle' thing..." Seamus explained.  
"Well, okay. Let's get out of here!" Me and Seamus proceeded to steal two broomsticks and high-tail it out of the general vicinity.  
"How do you ride these things?" I asked.  
"Don't worry, the magic's inside of the broomstick! Muggles who are willing to try and are lucky enough to find an enchanted one can fly without problems!" I quickly got on the broomstick and flew away. 


	5. Hannah.

  
Hannah.  
  
"Where do we head off to?" I asked Seamus.  
"Well, Hogsmeade is the closest place, but I assume that they'll find us really easily there...The nearest wizarding community is in France...but why would we want to meet up with French people..."  
"Hold up, I have an idea...do you have any knowledge of how to turn things into Portkeys?" I asked.  
"Well...damn, they just taught that last week...Why didn't I pay attention in class?"   
"JUST TRY. Try or else we'll both be dogmeat..."  
"Okay....NISIR WALTUO..." Seamus instantly changed the brooms into some Portkeys. "Now, it's going to take a couple minutes, so just concentrate on where you want them to go to and we'll be fine..." I quickly grabbed his broomstick and thought. "Hmmm, let's see...The Network, the Sorceress and her Knight, Voldemort, and the Yakuza are searching for me in England, so logically I should go back home...PORTKEYS, TAKE US TO THE CLOSEST THING TO TYPICAL AMERICA..." In an instant, the brooms changed over and planted us cleanly.  
  
"Dude, where are we?" Seamus asked.  
"Hmmm...we're somewhere...we've been placed into a mall...YES! We made it to America! Now let's see those people get me!" I shouted.  
"Um, dude...all of the people in the Harry Potter universe are in England...how are we going to find someone who can be interviewed?" Seamus asked.  
"Hmmm...Are there wizarding schools in the United States?" I asked.  
"Of course. Heard about a list of all of them. Hogwarts has got some exchange based schools, but...no, there's a problem..."   
"What is it?"  
"The two wizarding schools that we have exchanges with are both in the New England area. Do you have any way of telling where we are?"  
"Um, dude...Of course! All we have to do is get some way to find the placement of this mall in comparison to the others, find some invisibility cloaks and get to New England, find the schools, and we're in clover..."  
"Hey, Seamus! What are you doing in this country? Did you take foreign exchange too? Who's your friend?" Hannah Abbott asked.  
"Um, Alan..."  
"Quiet...I'm thinking..."  
"Well, why don't we just use Hannah here?" Seamus asked.  
"PERFECT! Hold up, we'll need to find someone who'll do this...Hi..."  
"Yes?" the person asked.  
"How'd you like to interview this girl here for my TV show, Harry Potter Fanatics!, now on equal footing due to a lack of hit count?" I asked.  
"Sure...let's go. How's the food court to take place for it?" the person asked.  
"Fine...let's all go..." The four headed over to the mall's food court.  
  
"HELLO, everyone, welcome to another edition of Harry Potter Fanatics! I'm Alan Smithee, this is my sidekick Seamus Finnigan..."  
"Charmed..."  
"And we've come to the United States to both hide from the people trying to get me and help people interview Harry Potter stars! Tonight's episode involves...name?"  
"Um, Izzy..."  
"Yes, Izzy and Hannah Abbott!"  
  
Opening remarks...  
  
"Whoa...this is really cool...I bet my parents won't mind if I'm a little late if it's to be on MTV for an episode...Who am I kidding, they won't believe it..."  
  
"You're sure this guy is on the level, Seamus?"  
"Of course he is. I wouldn't travel across the pond with any old person, would I?"  
"I guess...Eh, it beats doing work..."  
"Yeah...work sucks."  
  
"Hey, what's up?"  
"I really don't know as much as you don't...So, what are your main questions?"  
  
"Okay, well.... As you are the only Hufflepuff being interviewed, I would like to know   
what you think of the stereotypes..."  
  
"Well, I think that the stereotypes are just bad things in general. I mean, at least most of the Hufflepuff stereotypes are good things about us (i.e. we may be a bunch of duffers, but we're at least willing to work for what we want), but even if a stereotype is that 'All (INSERT GROUP HERE) are really nice, smart, amazing, and stunningly pretty', it's still a horrible thing to say to someone. I'd think the world would be a much better place if everyone would just get to know everyone else, know how they are as people, then make conclusions about what type of person they are from that."  
  
"I see... I'd like to know about Susan Bones. How'd she survive when her   
family was supposed to be killed by Voldemort?"  
  
"Well, To tell you the truth, I never really asked about her family. I mean, I didn't even know her family was killed by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named until you just told me. I'd guess that either she was being watched by someone else at the time she was killed, she was just not marked for death by him for some reason (possibly assumed she'd never survive without her family...), or she also survived like Potter did, but didn't break the powers like he did at the time."  
  
"Were you frightened when Justin was petrified?"  
  
"I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little frightened. I mean, no matter what you think will happen in these cases, if you get to know a person for about a year and a half and they suddenly get turned to stone, you get a little scared of what will happen next. I'm actually a little surprised that I wasn't targeted as well (I was mostly born from a wizarding family, but my parents traced back their genealogy and found that my mother's mother's mother was Muggle-born...I guess that the psycho basilisk didn't go after stuff that far back...)"  
  
"Who's your favorite teacher, and why?"  
  
"To tell you the truth...I don't know. I think that most of the teachers have their moments in each class. If you want to be entertained, you go to the revolving Defense against the Dark Arts class, if you want to be bogged down with work, you go to Transfiguration, if you want a complete and utter buzzkill, you go to Potions...Anyways, I'd probably have to say Sprout, if only because you just don't want to get on the head of your house's bad side."  
  
"There seem to be a lot of rumors going around about who you're dating, mostly about either Neville or Ernie. Can you clarify those for us?"  
  
"First off, who would claim I would show any interest in Neville? He's an okay guy, but come on! He's just...not what I would be interested in for boyfriend material. I will admit I went with Ernie for a short period last year. You know, that whole thing where you're going out but aren't really committed to each other? He's an okay guy, great to be around...I figure that he's great boyfriend material if I ever want a legitimate one. He's no Neville, but I'll manage... ::laughs::"  
  
"Hey, what about me, Hannah? Don't you want to feel Finnigan's Wake?"  
  
"Oh, yeah, Seamus. I need you badly. Take me now, up against the Quizno's stand."  
  
"Okay...Are there any random things we should know about you?"  
  
"Depends. If this is going to the wizarding audience: I just turned 15, I'm in Hufflepuff, I'm just your average teenage witch. If this is going to be seen by Muggles...: I am the Dark Princess Azazoth. I practice Wicca. My life is nothing but casting spells to get dates to the dance or fighting very evil creatures. (I probably should have mentioned that while I hate stereotypes, I love to mess with Muggles' preconcieved views of witches and wizards. That's probably the one reason that Muggles and magic people can't really get along...most Muggles are so closed-minded that it's insane. Hopefully, that will change and magic people and non-magic people can finally live without problems, but that'd probably never be. I mean, come on, if there's problems between Muggles just because of stuff like who their parents were, what they believe, and who they want to bone, there'll probably never be peace between people who could turn them into something icky at will...)"  
  
Well... why in the hell did you think Sirius Black was a flowering shrub?"  
  
"Who knows where thoughts come from, they just...appear. I didn't have any other good idea how he got into the castle at the time, so you have to go with something that would be so completely bizzare that it would have to have some nugget of truth in it. Plus, I WAS in Herbology at the time...that class can give you some strange ideas..."  
  
"Well, thank you for your interview..."  
"You're welcome...Hey, as long as we're here, are you hungry right now? The smell of bad fast food calls..."  
  
Closing:  
  
"This was so cool! I mean, she was really down-to-earth...Look, she signed my plate from Sbarro! I've GOT to put this in my collection..."  
  
"Well, that was nice...This is making TV, right?"  
"For the last time, of course it is. The guy's all right...(I didn't have the heart to tell him yet, but the reason he got us here is because he's obviously a wizard who doesn't yet know it...)"  
"What's this I hear?" I asked.  
"Nothing, Alan..." the two replied.  
  
"Well, this was our show. For all of us at Harry Potter Fanatics, I'm Alan Smithee, saying...Good Day..."  
  
"YAAAAAHAHAAHHHHHHHHH!" Izzy screamed as a light picked her up.  
  
"What happened?" Seamus asked.  
"I don't know...there was a light...Where's Izzy?" Suddenly, Izzy's body was sent back down, turned inside out...  
"Ug...I think I'm going to be sick...." Hannah screamed.  
"I told you...Mall food court sushi is not to be trusted, but would you listen to me? NOOOOO...." I replied.  
"Get them..." a voice called out. Suddenly, three lights came and took me, Seamus, and Hannah away.  
  
"Um...what happened?" I asked.  
"I don't know...we appear to be in the dungeon somewhere..." Seamus replied. Hannah paused for a moment, then replied: "This is the LAST time I go in with your wild plans..." 


	6. Sirius.

"Dammit...Where are we?" Seamus asked.  
"You will find out in due time," the guard replied.  
"Look, I need an answer. I thought I was getting a good thing. Big name, go from being another follower on FF8 Fanatics to my own big-name spinoff. Now, I've got Voldemort on my tail, another psycho sorceress and her knight following me, I've got a dementor who wants to kiss me, I've got the Yakuza on my tail, I REALLY NEED A FUCKING ANSWER RIGHT ABOUT NOW!" I shouted.  
"Okay, okay. Let me let you out and you'll see..." the guard let us out to reveal their true identitys.  
"NO! They're aliens!" Hannah screamed.  
"DAMMIT! Why am I always abducted by aliens to end these things?" I asked.  
"We're just sending you to our other-worldly zoo, don't get all...angry..." one of the leaders said.   
"But why us? We're just normal people!" Seamus replied.  
"Because we needed you for our exhibit of interesting humans..." the alien replied. "psst...::this guy sounds like Hagrid's long-lost brother::...psst" Hannah whispered.  
"But why us?"   
"You each serve a purpose. You are a wizard, the girl is a witch..."  
"And me?" I asked.  
"You are the single most arrogant person in the universe. We need that." the alien replied.  
"Oh, perfect..." I replied.  
"Hold up...If we can show you our worth, will we be freed?" Hannah asked.  
"Yes, yes you will..." The alien replied.   
"Okay...that person in there, are they an exhibit as well?" I asked.  
"Yes..."  
"Bring her and that black dog over there to me. I'll handle the rest..." I replied.  
"Why the dog?" Seamus asked.  
"You'll see..."  
  
"Hi, everyone, welcome to our outer-space episode of Harry Potter Fanatics! I am your host, Alan Smithee, with me are my familiars Seamus Finnigan and Hannah Abbott..."  
"WASSUP?"  
"Yes. Tonight, we're going to have...name?"  
"Um...Keira..."  
"Keira...interview Sirius Black!"  
"BLACK'S IN THE SPACESHIP? WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, MAN?" Hannah screamed.  
"Don't worry, I hear he's cool. Let's just get rolling...  
  
Opening thoughts...  
  
"Well, this day's turning out better...I wake up abducted by aliens, now I'm interviewing Sirius Black! This is so cool..."  
  
"How will I get home?"  
"Don't worry, Sirius, we'll handle it."  
"Who are you three?"  
"Um, we're all friends of Harry's, in the way that Seamus knows him pretty well, he and Hannah are acquaintances, and me and him have never technically met before..."  
"Oh, all right..."  
  
"SIRIUS! This is so cool!"  
  
"You're telling me...I've traveled light-years just to do this..."  
  
"Well, gee...there's so many questions I'd like to ask... If you could kiss one person who would it be?  
  
"Well, The answer to that question depends on the moment in time. If it's at this moment in history, the choice would be easy. I would kiss Lily or James, because the fact that I would be able to would mean that they would be alive and the entire last thirteen years of my life would have been just some bad dream."  
  
"Okay...If you had to choose between Harry and the woman of your dreams, who would it be?"  
  
"To save their lives? I would choose Harry without thinking. Harry's already tried his best to save my life beforehand, and it is my duty to make sure he's all right. If it's just to spend time with at one point, it'd be the woman of my dreams, because, hey, Harry'd probably be cool with it, right?"  
  
  
"Ah...this is going to sound a little weird, but have you 'broken the maiden' yet?"  
  
"Um, Of course I did. Between being one of the most popular students at Hogwarts and getting all the women there, being in the circles I was in after school ended and getting women to want me there, and being the "pretty boy" in Azkaban for 12 years, I can safely say I've gotten my fair share."  
  
  
"Okay...Chocolate or vanilla?"  
  
  
"Easy. That swirl thing you get at soft-serve places. I mean, if you can not have to choose, it's nothing but a good thing, right?"  
  
" Yes...If two women walked up to you, one blond, the other brunette, who would you choose?"  
  
"I would talk to them both and determine who I'd go for from their personality. Any guy that would actually choose from looks alone is crazy..."  
  
"Hey, Sirius! Be cool with that stuff, man! Just because I don't share your style for that..." Seamus replied.  
  
"Don't worry, man, it's all cool if you prefer looks."  
  
Okay...This is going to be tough, but... What is it really like in Azkaban?"  
  
"If I told those people what it was like, they wouldn't believe it. It was like a hell; dementors going around your cell determined to make sure you would never be happy again, having to hear the cries of all the people who weren't lucky enough to have a thought that could keep them sane...I just wouldn't recommend it to most people."  
  
  
" Who is the one person you wish you could be related to?"  
  
"I'd probably say Harry, if only because then there'd be no risk of any weirdness by those who don't pay attention to godfathers. If I could choose the aging as well, I'd easily pick Voldemort and be his older brother, because everyone knows the older brother can kick the younger brother's ass, and I'd love to beat the hell out of him more than anyone could know."   
  
"Well, thanks for doing the interview, Sirius."  
  
"You're welcome..."  
  
"Well, aliens, what'd you think?" I asked.  
  
"That was just horrid. We don't want you in OUR zoos...we'll just find other people instead..." the aliens replied.  
  
"YEAH! We did it!"   
  
"Well, we ARE going to have to do some tests..."  
  
Closing thoughts...  
  
"I don't believe it. I really would have never suspected anything was wrong with Sirius, I mean, he was just so...cool...like some older brother type..."  
"COMMENCE ANAL PROBING."  
"OW...."  
  
"I really think this was good, at least to kill some time.... At least it went well...A little too interested in things that I wanted to keep silent, but still..."  
"COMMENCE ANAL PROBING."  
"Oof...It NEVER gets any easier..."  
  
"Well, that was the apparent season finale of this sect of Harry Potter Fanatics. Watch for the next call for fanatics coming soon. For all of us at HPF, I'm Alan Smithee..."  
"I'm Seamus Finnigan...",  
"And I'm Hannah Abbott..."  
"And we bid you a pleasant tomorrow..."  
"COMMENCE ANAL PROBING..."  
  
"OWWWWWWWWWWW......"  
"Ug......"  
"Mmmmmm...."  
"SEAMUS?"  
"What? It's all...nice and stuff..." 


	7. Lupin.

"Whoa...where are we?" I asked.  
"Hmmm...I recognize this...we're back in England! They must have assumed this was where we'd be heading!" Hannah replied.  
"THERE YOU ARE! WE'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU!" a man replied.  
"Okay...on the count of three...RUN! It's a network guy!" We started to run until the network man spoke.  
"No, no, it's not the whole...dementor thing...we wanted to give you an extension on our deal!"   
"Extension?" I asked.  
"Of course! We're finally getting the review levels we expected when we promoted you from FF8, this is getting a high amount of "Fave Story" counts, this is doing really well for us!" they replied.  
"EXCELLENT! Do we get our money-levels back?" Seamus asked.  
"Um, no...the wild, 'anything can happen' nature's the selling point..."  
"Okay...but we do get stuff, right?" I asked.  
"Well, of course...two sackfuls of Galleons per show each, a better timeslot, oh, and...Hannah, is it?"  
"Um, yes..."  
"We need to help out a little bit...we're getting you a new wardrobe more fitting for an MTV personality..."  
"I...see..."  
  
"So, who's this first show going for?" Seamus asked.  
"Apparently, they've sent our new...assistants out to get the person. Some 'Katrine Potter-Lupin' chick's going to interview Lupin. Pretty standard, really..." Suddenly, Hannah walked in wearing an outfit that was apparently taken out of the pile of clothing Jennifer Lopez rejected for being "too slutty."  
"I think the Fanatic is ready..." Hannah replied.  
"OHHH YEAHHH! I'm going to have to...take a sick day, Alan...I think Hannah is going to as well..."  
"What are you talking about, Seamus?"  
"Um, don't you read these things, Alan? Cedric left a message beyond the grave of his teachings. One of those was, 'The less clothes a girl is wearing, the less you have to spend for them to owe you sex.' And with THAT outfit, bro..."  
"Um, dude, he never wrote that..." I replied.  
"Well, sure, but it's typical code!"  
"I'll keep that in mind. Just keep it in there for the episode. Bring them in." Instantly, Kaientai walked in with Katrine in tow.  
  
"HAAHHAHAHAHAHAH! WE HAVE BROUGHT YOU YOUR SUBJECT FOR THIS FANATICS EPISODE!"  
"INDEED..."  
"NO! This is bad...My therapist was right, god DOES hate me..." I replied.  
"DO NOT WORRY. WE WERE APPROACHED BY MTV! GAVE GOOD DEAL!"  
"INDEED..."  
"Okay, but if you try and kill me for the Yakuza, I'll be VERY upset...Send the fanatic in..."  
  
"Welcome to Harry Potter Fanatics! I am Alan Smithee, this is my little sidekick Seamus Finnigan..."  
"WASSUP?"  
"...And our apparently Network-forced eye candy, Hannah Abbott..."  
"Hi..."  
"Tonight, we're having Katrine Potter-Lupin interview Professor R.J. Lupin!"  
  
Opening thoughts:  
  
"Wow...I can't believe I'm actually going to meet Professor Lupin...this is SO cool...I've got just too many questions to ask him..."  
  
"tee hee hee...I am SO evil this April Fool's Day..."  
"Potion boy! I need my Sanity Tonic..."   
"Coming right up, Moony... ::just a pinch of this, and this potion is going to make for some great guerrila theater...::"  
"Ah, thank you, Snape...don't worry. Sit back, relax. Now, this person is what we call a 'FAN.' These 'FANS' tend to respect the person who they're 'FANS' of. This may be a shock, because no one with half a brain could respect you, but..."  
  
"Lupin?"  
  
"Katrine! What's going on?"  
  
"Absolutely nothing..."  
  
"Well, same here..."  
  
"Okay...well, What were your parents like?"  
  
"Ah...My parents were basically...pretty normal, as a witch and wizard would be. I was always treated nicely, I never had to want anything growing up. It was basically really cool. "  
  
"Were your parents supportive of you when you became (so to speak) a werewolf? Where they afraid of you?"  
  
"Well, I wouldn't say supportive. You can't really be supportive of becoming a werewolf, as that would imply like I had some sort of choice when I was bitten. They were a little afraid of me, but it wasn't much of a problem. My mother top subject at Hogwarts was Astronomy; she was even bandied about as a possible replacement for the retiring old Astronomy teacher about 5 years before I started there. As a result, they just managed to get me "personal camping trips" in a large forest about every full moon before I got to Hogwarts- rather standard ways that people helped werewolves in that time, really."  
  
"I see... How did your friends react?"  
  
"It was nothing in those times, really. I was always an outcast before I was bitten, and never really had any true friends. The only difference between before and after was that the kids at least had a reason to fear and hate me."  
  
"Well...On to another topic, now. Do you think there is ever a possibility that you will teach at Hogwarts again?"  
  
"I sincerely hope so. The only problem is that in order for me to do it, it would require people to just not care that I'm a werewolf and just look at the facts: the kids who I've talked to considered me their favorite Defense against the Dark Arts teacher (against two Death Eaters and an arrogant pretty boy, but still...)"  
  
"How was your time at Hogwarts when you previously teached there?"  
  
"I loved it. The kids respected me, the teachers who I had weren't as tough on me now that I was one of them, the only problems I got were from a few...jerks who wouldn't see that I was qualified, but they'll all get theirs (::coughSnape'sinfatuatedwiththebloodthatcomesoutofadeadfemalebabyanimalcough::)"  
  
"Well, What are you up to at the moment?"  
  
"Not much. I've been helping rally all the old gang against Voldemort,and that's going pretty well. Other than that, it's just normal stuff, really."  
  
"Have you talked at all recently with Harry Potter? Sirius Black? Albus Dumbledore?"  
  
"To tell you the truth, I haven't talked too much with Harry, but I'd like to try and get back in touch with him. I mean, he's the son of two of my closest friends, he was one of my best students, and was just a really cool guy. Sirius? I've hung out with him to help rally the old gang. I've got to stay around Sirius, as he is my oldest friend still living (As far as I'm concerned, Pettigrew's dead and always will be.) Dumbledore's still been tight with me. I talk to him as often as I get a chance to, so he knows I'm still alive."  
  
"Speaking of friendships, do you have a love interest? (^_^)"  
  
"Depends, are you asking? Otherwise, it's a real problem. I've never met a female werewolf, and the females who aren't werewolves tend to get a little...frightened when you tell them that you are one. I'm still looking for a girl who won't really care about the werewolf thing, but they apparently only exist in bad teen movies and average-to-okay teen TV shows."  
  
"I see...Are you interested in Muggle things? Such as T.V., computers, et cetra."  
  
"Well, I do own a television and keep it charmed under an Age Line set for 1000 years old so that I can't go past to break it, because when you're able at any time to destroy people, there's not much for the "Trying to be tame" werewolf to do except watch a little TV. I do own a computer. My e-mail address is Emag Modnar Eht@aol.com, in case you need to reach me, shoot the shit, stuff like that...:URGGGGGGG::::"  
  
"APRIL FOOLS....YIKES!"Snape quickly ran from the room.  
  
"Snape...what did you....dooooooooooHOWLOOOOO! THIS IS WOLFMAN JACK COMING BACK FROM THE DEAD TO CAUSE SOME TROUBLE!" Instantly, he clawed at Katrine, ripping her clothing.  
"YES! SCANTILY CLAD WOMEN EQUAL RATINGS!" the network executive replied.  
"HAHAHA! YOU TALKING HEADS FOR MTV...USE CLEARASIL OR I'LL CLAW YOUR ASSES!" Lupin/Wolfman started to come after them...  
"Yikes...um, Wingardium Leviosa?" I replied while waving a nearby stick around. Instantly, a nearby chair was lifted from the ground and smashed "Lupin" on the head.  
"Is he...dead?" I asked.  
"I think you just knocked him out. Don't worry, he'll wake up in Jersey and think the whole thing's a dream...KAIENTAI?" the network executive replied.  
"OKAY! WE WILL SET HIM LOOSE!"  
"INDEED...."  
"Yeesh...what the hell happened there? How did I..." I asked.  
"Well, allow me to explain..." the network executive asked.  
"No, no, I'll handle it..."  
"Dumbledore?" Hannah asked.  
"Yes...I see you're back from your exchange...that's a relief...Well, it's obvious how Alan here handled this werewolf with that spell..."  
"How?" Seamus asked.  
"Long or short answer?" Dumbledore asked.  
"Short..." I replied.  
"Well, I'll explain the longer one later on...short answer...Alan, you're a wizard." Dumbledore replied.  
"WHAT THE FUCK?" I screamed.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	8. Lord Voldemort.

"I'm sorry, you have to be wrong, Dumbledore! I can't be a wizard...I'm a successful MTV personality! We're supposed to be all Muggles!" I shouted.  
"Nope. Be happy I don't go further into your history...." Dumbledore replied.  
"But I can't be...I'm...I'm not trained! I'm in a Muggle high school, and I'm just about to graduate..."   
"Oh, yes. I know your record...You went to an 'Alternative High School', then were accepted at a 'really small liberal arts college that only your teachers have heard of', right?"   
"Well, yes..."   
"Grow up...the high school you go to is really one of the top Wizarding schools out there. Your soon-to-be college is arguably The top Wizarding College in the United States. Didn't you notice the Quidditch teams there?"  
"I...I thought they were just a Kickball squad..."  
"Poor, poor Alan. Good wizard with a Muggle mentality."  
"Well, let's just get on with the subject. Who's our next assignment?" I asked my 'sidekicks'.  
"Well, we've got Tifa Gainsborough here..." Seamus replied.  
"Dammit...this is bad...just transferred from Final Fantasy...could know how I got this 'Amazingly Original' idea for a series..." I replied.  
"Okay...well, she's going to be interviewing...Lord Voldemort..." Hannah replied.  
"WHAT? VOLDEMORT? ON MY SHOW? HE'S EVIL! HE TRIES TO KILL ME!" I yelled.  
"Come on...the show must go on...Possible death equals ratings..." Seamus replied.  
"Oh, all right. Let's go...KAIENTAI!" In an instant, Kaientai brought Tifa into the studio.  
"HERE YOU GO, ALAN! THE FANATIC!" Taka replied.  
"SHOULD WE GO GET VOLDEMORT?" Funaki asked.  
"INDEED..." I replied.  
"HEY! THAT IS MY LINE! NOW I AM ANGRY!" Funaki screamed as they went to get Voldemort.  
"Okay...find a happy place...Ah, Voldemort! You old son-of-a-bitch! What's been going on?"  
  
Opening remarks:  
  
"This is so cool...I mean, Voldemort is the evil guy, and has easily the most style of all of the characters in Harry Potter....I mean, he sounds a little like a hippie gone wrong somehow....I can't believe it! I get into an Alan Smithee story, I get to interview Voldemort, this is just awesome!"  
  
"Hey, man, where's the lady at? The Big Bad Booty Daddy is here to kick his evil shiz-nat!"   
"Um, Voldemort..."  
"What, man?"  
"Why's the Dementor with you?"  
"You know...It's my seeing eye dog...I have glaucoma....at least, that's what this doctor's note I got in Arizona says..."  
"Oh, all right."  
  
"Voldemort!"  
"Hey, how are you doing?"  
  
"Great...well, let's get down to business..."  
  
"Excellent..."  
  
"Okay... If the Death Eaters are your real family, which is your mum and which is your dad?"   
  
"Ah. Well, you see, the Death Eaters are like...the children, the cousins, those types. As with most of them, I am the mum, I am the dad, I am the favored child."  
  
"Ah...Were you a really deprived child when you were younger?"  
  
"Of course I was. My father left my mother because he found out she was a witch, my mother died in childbirth, I was sent to live in a Muggle orphanage, everything was horrible for me! I guess that's why I wanted to take over the world.... that way I'd finally get what I deserve. Plus, well, KoRn wasn't popular yet, so I couldn't just make a bunch of hard songs about how I was mistreated, so..."  
  
"Moving along...Why keep trying to kill Harry? Why not go after somebody like... Lockhart, everybody would be happy to see him die..."  
  
"Look, I really ain't got no thing against Harry. I mean he's doing his thing, I'm doing my thing, right? But the problem is, he's my failure. I set out to kill all of the Potters, and he survived. Now, to find another wizarding family might be hard to get and kill them off, so I want to cut it clean with the Potters. To do that, I have to kill Harry. Do you see?"  
  
"What was it like living in your "ugly baby" form?"  
  
"Not too bad. Nice area, I could spy on Harry, all the unicorn blood I could drink...it really kicked some boo-tay!"  
  
"Ah...Why not go after Hogwarts next? I mean, Dumbledore is kinda loony, it might be easy..."  
  
"You don't see...Dumbledore's always a great wizard. A bit mad, but an amazing wizard nonetheless. I can't even hope to go for Hogwarts until I've got enough followers to completely squash the lot of them."  
  
"Wasn't it annoying living on the back of somebody's head for such a long time?"  
  
"Not really. As I said, it was just cool. I got an endless array of unicorn's blood, I was treated as a king, it was just like a party all the time!"  
  
"Okay...If you looked in the Mirror of Erised what would you see?"  
  
"I would see myself ruling the world, my Death Eaters, various world rulers, Asian mystics, a strange street evangelist, and generic babes in tow as I do my thing, having whatever I wanted at that moment happen."  
  
"Ah...Why change your name to Voldemort? I mean, Tom is such a lovely name..."  
  
"TOM IS NOT A LOVELY NAME...It is a dirty Muggle-given name. Voldemort is a proper name for a wizard to show those Muggles that you can't start shit with this guy, or you'll end up just another victim."  
  
"Okay...So what are your plans after you concur the world?"  
  
"Well, I have a few plans....eh, people will probably laugh, though..."  
  
"No, go on, tell us."  
  
"Well, okay...what I'd really like to do is direct. I can see it now, Lord Voldemort stars in the Lord Voldemort Story, written and directed by Lord Voldemort. (Of course, it won't have too much of that Potter dude in this one...I mean, come on. I MADE Potter famous, and he can't even give me a really big part in his movie? Where's the gratitude there? Without that scar, he'd either be just some nameless victim or just some typical wizard!)"  
  
Ah...Well, Can I be a Death Eater? I could be your sister!"  
  
"Well, sure. The more Death Eaters, the better. Just prove your worthiness to be one of us..I don't know...KILL THEM! CRUSH...KILL...DESTROY...HURT THEM, HURT THEM!"  
  
"Hey! We trusted you to play nice!" I shouted.  
  
"I AM Voldemort, you shouldn't trust me! Lackeys..."  
  
"HAHAHAHA! WE ARE HERE TO DO YOUR BIDDING, LORD VOLDEMORT!"  
"INDEED...."  
  
"Hey, we hired you to be our lackeys! Get back there!"  
  
"Don't you know yet? WE ARE EEEEVILLLLLL..."  
"INDEED..."  
  
"Aw...Seamus, Hannah, Fight them..."  
  
"Um, you are a wizard, Alan..." Seamus replied.  
  
"Yes, but...I'm too pretty to be killed!" I replied.  
  
"Okay....Petrificus Totalus!" The two shouted. Instantly, Kaientai were stopped up.  
  
"NO! THIS IS TOTALLY BAD!"  
"In...Deed..."  
  
"Now, I can fight you, Voldemort...Just you, and me..."  
  
"Perfect, Smithee.....I couldn't kill your twin brother, but, well, his mother cared more about him than you..."  
  
"Oh, yeah, sure...Like that's believable..."  
  
"No, you will learn...Harry Potter is your twin..."  
  
"Can't be...CAN'T FUCKING BE..."  
  
"HARRY! Take this! I think I can get away!" Hannah threw Alan her wand and started to run.  
  
"Stop her!" Voldemort called out to his Dementor. Instantly, the dementor surrounded Hannah.  
  
"Commence the making out!" He yelled. Instantly, I yelled "EXPELLIARMUS!", taking Voldemort's wand while he was distracted. "HA! Big important Dark Wizard after all...I've...got...your wand..." I gloated.  
  
"Um, Alan?" Seamus asked.  
  
"Can't talk, Seamus, I'm gloating..."  
  
"Dude, while you were gloating, that dementor kissed Hannah..." Seamus replied.  
  
"Eh, s' cool. He slip her anything?"  
  
"Dude, getting kissed by a dementor makes you lose your soul..." Seamus replied.  
  
"Hold up, we'll see... Sing something that comes to your head..." I asked Hannah.  
  
"YOU ARE....MY FIRE...."  
  
"Dammit! Boy bands! She really has lost her soul!"  
  
"Um, Voldemort's just gotten away..."  
  
"Eh, at least I have his wand...This rules..." I replied.  
  
"Yes...now you and your brother share the same wand..." Dumbledore replied.  
  
"What? Potter really is my twin brother? That so totally reeks of suckitudeositynessment!" I replied.  
  
"Should have asked for the whole story, huh?" Dumbledore asked.  
  
  
  
  



	9. Madame Maxime

"Look, Dumbledore, I can't talk right now. Apparently, Voldemort's on my tail and he's bringing dementors, Fanfic writers, and wrestlers to destroy me. To top this off, one of my bodyguards has apparently lost her soul..." I replied.  
"Oh, really? Well, there's only one thing to do..." Dumbledore took his wand out. "Get out of the way, Mr. Finnigan..." he yelled right before pointing his wand at the soulless Hannah. "AVADA KEDAVRA..." In an instant, Hannah was killed.  
"WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR? Now one of us is going to have to wear a thong!" I yelled.  
"It was for the best. Without a soul, life's not worth living..." Dumbledore replied.  
"But...but..." Seamus started to cry.  
"Dude, what's wrong? Boys don't cry. We leave that for goths." I said.  
"I..I really wanted to bone her, man..." I quickly checked the body.   
"Don't worry...she's still warm..."  
"DUDE!" Seamus replied.  
"Um, there'll be none of that. You've got to leave for a safe place. Look, here's the address for a place that'll take you two in..." Dumbledore took a cocktail napkin and wrote the address down.  
"Well, that settles it...How do we get rid of the body?" Seamus asked.  
"Um...just do as is customary in wizarding tradition for those who need to make a run for it...Throw her to the Necrophiliacs!" Dumbledore shouted.  
"Perfect!" I replied. We quickly dumped off the body and signaled for the Knight Bus.  
"Where are y' going?" Stan asked.  
"Greetings. My name is, um, Troy Philips...This is my little sidekick, Buck Naked..."  
"HEY!" Seamus replied.  
"We need to get to...Beauxbatons...immediately."   
"Oy! We'll get you there in no time!" We took some seats and started to go.  
"So, where you two heading?" the person next to us asked.  
"Beauxbatons Institute...you?" I replied.  
"Same place....Wait, aren't you..."  
"No. We are Buck Naked and Troy Philips..."  
"No, wait! IT'S ALAN SMITHEE AND SEAMUS FINNIGAN! EEEEE!" the person replied.  
"Hold up...keep it silent...Voldemort's after us...How'd you like to be on the show for silence?"  
"Sure!"   
"Excellent...We'll pick the person there...Name?"  
"Um, Starfish Girl..." the person replied.  
"Excellent..."  
"Oh, my mistake...Wrong people..." Starfish Girl replied. The bus eventually made it to Beauxbatons by daybreak.  
"Well, we're here..." Instantly, Madame Maxime came over to us. "Dumbly-Dorr has told me about your predikament...Welcome, welcome..."  
"Hi, Madame...Maxime, is it?"  
"Yes...yes..."  
"Listen, we're sojourning hosts of a TV show...Harry Potter Fanatics!..."  
"Yes, I've heard of it..."  
"Would you allow this person to be your interviewee for us...?"  
"Um, sure..."   
  
"Hi, welcome to Harry Potter Fanatics! I'm Alan Smithee, this is my sidekick Seamus Finnigan, and our third member, Hannah Abbott, is dead and has the night off accordingly. Tonight, we'll have Starfish Girl interview Madame Maxime!"  
  
Opening Thoughts:  
  
"Wow! I get to be on Harry Potter Fanatics! I wonder what to ask...and Madame Maxime? She's so cool..."  
  
"Well, this will be good...I hear this show's popular in wizarding communities..."  
  
"Madame Maxime?"  
"Ah! Welcome to Beauxbatons!"   
"Well, I have a few questions..."  
"Fire away..."  
"Well...What is your honest opinion of Fleur Delacour?"  
  
"I was honestly a little surprised that she was our champion. I honestly would have only picked her around fifth or sixth at best. She was really good at her subjects and was one of our prefects, but she has this tendency to be more interested in boys than in studying...Well, who am I to argue with the goblet?"  
  
"I see...What's your favorite ice cream flavor?"  
  
"I'm sorry, but I've never tried ice cream. I have no idea what my favorite flavor would be...(What? I try to watch my weight.)"  
  
"What kind of a student were you at school?"  
  
"I was an excellent student while at school; otherwise, why would they have made me Headmistress at an institution? I mean, honestly, that shouldn't have been a surprise!"  
  
"What do you fear the most?"  
  
"People...finding out the truth. I really only have one secret, but it is one that I'll take to my grave..."  
  
"What pets do you have?"  
  
"I don't really have too many pets. Just the school owls and my winged horses, really. After all, why have a pet that serves no useful purpose?"  
  
"Yes, well...Do you enjoy Quidditch?"  
  
"I've been known to watch a few games, yes. Beauxbatons has always prided itself on its great Quidditch championships; since the World Cup started, at least one player for Fra...er, the country we are stationed in has had a Beauxbatons grad at some starting position, and often at least two more in reserve."  
  
"Final question...What is really going on with you and Hagrid?"  
  
"That...oaf? To think that I'd actually show interest in him! He's mangy, he's half-giant, he's...low-class...no, I was just trying to be nice to him in the spirit of the tournament. No more, no less...."  
  
"Thank you for your time..."  
  
Closing views...  
  
"Wow! She was...nice...a little stuck-up, but still..."  
"Whoa...that was a few minutes of my life I can't take back..."  
  
"Well, thank you for your time..."  
"Wait, you two!"  
"Ah, yes, what would you like?"  
"Well, I heard how your...eye candy died, so..." Madame Maxime instantly stripped down to a small top and a thong and began to shake her booty.  
"NO! KILL ME, SEAMUS, KILL ME!" I yelled.  
"I'M NOT KILLING YOU, WHO'LL KILL ME?" Seamus replied.  
"I will..." Voldemort replied. Instantly, he pointed his wand at us..."AVADA KEDAVRA..." However, we both ducked behind Madame Maxime as it struck her, killing her instantly.  
"Dammit...where do we head to get away from here... HELLO....International Amateur Quidditch Tournament...See the top stars of all the finest schools before they become the superstars of tomorrow! Can you say...hideout?" I asked.  
"Um, I think so..."  
"Let's go!"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	10. Cho.

The opening round was about to start for the International Amateur Quidditch Tournament, and two of one of the Gryffindor team were talking.  
"Dude, we've got this all set! Everyone knows we're the best at Hogwarts, so there'll be no problems there, man!" Fred Weasley said.  
"I know, but...what happens if we lose?" Harry Potter replied.  
"Dude. The opening two rounds for all of these are Intra-School Qualifiers. We've got Ravenclaw first, and we've beaten them, what, sixty-three thousand, seven hundred thirty-one and a half times so far?"   
"A-hem, we beat them that one time, it's not a half..."   
"Yeah...on goals alone, because SOMEONE thought that trying to spend a couple hours dallying with a certain opposing Seeker was more important than his team..."  
"IT WAS FOR THE SNITCH! How was I to know they'd call jump Snitch, I'd go off of it first, and they'd give the capture to her?"  
"You should have just figured that. Keep your top head on getting that Snitch this time. Check the bottom at the door. Once you get us to the Intra-School Final, you're totally free to moon over their Seeker chicky all you want to."  
"THAT IS A BLOODY LIE!"  
"Good, good, use that anger...Now remember, it's just a normal game, well, except for the fact that every professional team worth its salt is going to be watching..." Suddenly, two figures came up to the two.  
"Hi, dudes!" one of them said.  
"Hey, isn't that Seamus?" Fred asked.  
"Yep. The same. You might not recognize my colleague, though..."  
"Greetings. Name's Alan Smithee...I recently found out I'm his brother..." I pointed at Harry.  
"Charmed...What's this about?"  
"Well, we're on the run from Voldemort...to put it simply, you're both scratched from today's game." The two took their wands and yelled "STUPEFY!" In an instant, the two were stunned.  
"Take their uniforms, get their broomsticks, and get onto the field before they can get back up!" Seamus replied. Instantly, me and Seamus took their uniforms off and put our street clothes on over it. "Now let's get to the field!"  
  
"Seamus? What are you doing here?" the Gryffindors asked.  
"Long story..."  
"Er, the captain named my boy Seamus here as Designated Secret Weapon! Yeah, if they needed someone due to injury or those things, Seamus would take the place! Of course, he couldn't tell you guys because, well, he's secret and all... But anyway, Fred's indisposed, he's doing Beater today."  
"Dammit...Why no scar, Harry?"  
"(Fuck...) Um, I want to be judged on my merits as a Quidditch player, not as a famous person. I hit up the makeup drawer and covered it. Yeah, that's the ticket."  
  
"Okay...just get into position..." I placed myself against the opposing Seeker.  
"Ah, Mr. Potter...One more time, for the pros' delight?" the girl asked.  
"Well, I guess so..."  
"Cho? Honestly, Harry, you're so bad with names! If I didn't know better, I'd say you were just doing it for the ability to touch my hand before each match..." Cho replied.  
"Um...Yeah, I guess so...I'm just all forgetful and stuff..."   
"And now, our guest referee for this match-up...The head of the American Department of Magical Games and Sports, Dark Horse!"  
"Thank you, thank you...teams, let's get ready to rumble! ::psst...Alan? What are you doing here?::" Dark Horse replied.  
"::psst...long story...Voldemort on tail...had to go underground...If anyone asks, I'm Harry Potter...::" I replied.  
"::okay::" The game started. I tried to look for the Snitch, but that whole "Not being a really trained Seeker" thing made it immensely hard. To top it off, the opposing Seeker was really good. Luckily, my team's...goal-scorer guys were excellent, so we had no trouble.  
"Hmmm...gold...THE SNITCH!" I yelled. Suddenly, Cho came up behind me.  
"Dammit...I'm not supposed to yell that out, am I?" I dove for it. Suddenly, Cho made a quick move to the ground and came up under the Snitch to the point where both of our hands met while attempting to take it.  
"Okay...Okay...We've got a Standoff for the Snitch..." Dark Horse came over to check on the Snitch's movement.  
"Could I get a Beater over here, right now...::hint, hint::!" I asked. Instantly, Seamus headed over.  
"What's this for?" Dark Horse asked.  
"Well, since we're going to be here a while, I figured this would be a good time to start an episode...you in?" I asked.  
"Hey, sure..." Dark Horse replied.  
  
"Hi, everyone,and welcome to another episode of Harry Potter Fanatics. I am Alan Smithee..."  
"Alan Smithee? First off, who are you? Secondly, where's Harry?" Cho asked.  
"Um, he's...indisposed...Don't worry, he's my brother, it's all good. With me is Seamus Finnigan..."  
"What's up, my peeps?"   
"And of course, on our update on the fate of our third person: Hannah Abbott is still dead. Tonight, we're live at a first round game for the International Amateur Quidditch tournament where Dark Horse will interview Cho Chang!"  
  
Opening thoughts:  
  
"I don't know WHAT Alan has got me into this time, but I have the strange feeling that something's going to go wrong here..."  
  
"Is this a trick to get the Snitch from me?"  
  
  
  
"Hi...I'd shake your hand, but...you know, the Snitch thing..."  
  
"I understand completely..."  
  
"Okay, then...How far have you gone to get a guy's attention?"  
  
"Well, It's not too hard for me to get guys' attention for some reason. Probably the farthest I've ever went was during my first Quidditch game. This one Chaser for Hufflepuff (what IS it with me and Hufflepuff boys? I swear...) was just a total hottie, so I tried to impress him with my skill. I attempted the Wronski Feint to really show my ability at flying...their Seeker followed me down perfectly. Unfortunately, I didn't turn either....Final tally: Broken arm and collarbone (from their Seeker) and now, when I get married, I will not be able to wear white (from his broomstick...), guy wasn't impressed. Eh, I won the Quidditch Cup and came in second for Rookie Performer of the Year to Potter, and he didn't, so THERE!"  
  
"I see...What were you smoking when you were going out with Cedric?"  
  
"Hey, don't knock the guy! He was a really nice guy! A little...dense, sure, but he was fun to hang out with, nice, caring...Eh, just goes to show you. All the good men are either married, gay, and if they're neither they get killed by Lord Voldemort for a plot device."  
  
"Okay...How do you honestly feel about Harry Potter?"  
  
"Well, to tell you the honest truth? I am honestly surprised that people don't like me because I didn't go for Harry. I mean, I like Harry. He's a good guy. In fact, the only reason I turned him down when he asked me out was because Cedric asked me first, and I'm a firm believer that if you agree to go out with someone, it's really cold to turn them down just because someone better asked you out the same night. (Tell the truth, if I had to pick between the two, I'd pick Harry easily...) If Harry were to ask me out tomorrow, I'd say yes in a heartbeat."  
  
"Okay... In your own words...what's so great about YOU?"  
  
"I honestly don't know what makes people fall all over themselves for me. I mean, I'm told that I'm attractive, but what's the point there? I think that it's the real me that matters more than how pretty I am. If more people would think that way, the world would be a much better place."  
  
"I feel the same way...What do you look for in a guy?"  
  
"Quite simply, someone who'll look past how I look and try to see how I am as a person. Someone who I have fun with, someone who can make me laugh, someone who's just a great catch on the inside as well as the outside. (Oh, they don't necessarily have to be a wizard...)"  
  
"Well, that's a plus...What's your IQ? Is it high?"  
  
"I think I tried that out once on a computer they were demonstrating over at Hogsmeade...(BTW, have you heard of that World Wide Web thing? Isn't that something that an Acromantula would make?) I tried out something like that on some 'Web Site', and I tested in the 120-130 range...is that good?."  
  
"I think so...If you could go back and change one thing about your life so far, what would it be?"  
  
"I don't really know. I've been pretty happy with my life so far...I mean, there hasn't been too many problems for me. I'd probably just not go so...gung-ho about some things. I would have gone so completely ga-ga over Cedric, so I wouldn't hurt as badly now as I had. Either that or up my height about three inches. I'm sick of having to wear platforms and get a haircut that makes me look like I just stepped out of 1987 just to look like your average fourth year...YOU! ASSHOLE! YOU KILLED MY BOYFRIEND!" Cho loosened her grip on the Snitch. Knowing where she was going, I did the same!  
  
"Dammit, baby, what's your problem? You're switched, You could easily drop him and become Mr.Voldemort's Favorite Freak without a problem..."  
  
"VOLDEMORT? AAAAHHHHH!" I started to run.  
"Alan? Cho? Aren't you going to get the Snitch? There's professionals waiting in the stands..." Dark Horse yelled.  
"Dude! They're all gone! Get gone yourself if you want to live!"  
"Okay...." Dark Horse started to ride.  
"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Voldemort shouted. A burst of green light hit Dark Horse, striking him dead while his broom kept moving.  
"We've got to exit stage right...Come on!"  
"No...got to win..."  
"Hold up, Seamus! Grab my broomstick!"   
"Okay, Alan!" I strapped my shoes as tightly as I could to the broom's handle and reached out to grab Cho's broom. Instantly, she burst into enough speed so I could get to it.  
"Thanks..." Cho replied.  
"Hold up...NISIR WALTUO!" Instantly, the broomsticks turned into Portkeys, heading the three of us far from the area.  
"What happened?" Cho asked.  
"Nothing much...Just needed to get gone from Voldemort. Oh, yeah, since it'll be hard to get back...you're expendable chick now..." Seamus replied.  
"WHAT DOES EXPENDABLE CHICK MEAN?"  
"Well, you're a chick, and the last chick for ours died..."  
"Dammit...I don't want to die!"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
